It started when I was 19 — an anorexic girl’s journey

In the past six years, “V” has gone from a state of self-rejection at age of 17 to self-acceptance at 23. Here’s her story:

“It started when I was 19
It started when I was trying to help a person who was borderline anorexic
It started when I wanted to lose just one more, one more kg but still wasn’t content

It started when one day suddenly I couldn’t talk myself out of knowing that every girl has a different body type and shape
It started with admiring someone’s jaw line but disliking my own chubby cheeks
It started by spending 15 mins extra everyday at the gym wanting to burn a few more calories despite being exhausted

It also started when I denied myself a piece of that chocolate cake on my birthday
It started when I wanted to look like someone I wasn’t
It started when all I wanted to be was stick and bones
It started when I started liking the sound of my stomach grumble

It started and till date I don’t know what exactly it was, how it started and why it happened to me”

It didn’t hit me for a very long time that I had a disease because I was too preoccupied thinking what to eat or regretting that last bite. There were these two points in my life when I felt that maybe something wasn’t right — the time when I dropped out of college and the time when I couldn’t dance anymore, even though dance is the first love of my life. But for most part of it, I didn’t feel anything, because slowly I had started losing my mind with all my other senses.

It was October 2013 and within 6 months my weight had dropped from 47 kgs to 27. Everyone around me was in shock and panic. I just felt numb to everything. That’s the time when three of my best friends convinced me to get myself admitted to a hospital and then go to a rehab.

I had damaged my mind and body so much that even though somehow I learnt to eat again, I found myself stuck in a bingeing and purging cycle. It took me a while to understand what all was happening inside my brain and I started finding my own ways to deal with my guilt and dislikes and instead focused on things that I really liked about myself.

Somedays were easier than the others and somedays I had to put in a little extra effort to not give in to the voices in my head. That’s the moment when things started to shift. Miracles started to happen within my mind and body. And slowly, I found the strength inside of me to walk on the path of recovery.

I started to rediscover myself and created a better relationship with food. Eventually, the fear of food disappeared. The guilt started to fade. My mind felt free, my body started to move to music again. And I started to enjoy my new found energy and attitude.

I somehow survived it all. I don’t really know how or why, but I used to tell myself that I have to achieve my dreams. I have to be stronger than the girl I had known myself to be, I have to experience so many beautiful things this life has to offer and I need to live for myself.

This journey has not been easy but it has made me understand that you are the sole person responsible for your happiness and that if you are comfortable within your skin then no one can even point a finger at you.

This is a photo-story by Mithaq Kazimi. Text is written by “V.” #MentalHealthMonth